rough drafts

You start feeling insecure and wonder
where
you will be in a year or two, but then
get scared
because you barely know where you are
now.

You start realizing that people are
selfish and
that, maybe, those friends that you
thought you
were close to aren’t exactly the
greatest people
you have ever met, and the people you
have lost
touch with are some of the most
important ones.
What you don’t recognize is that they
are realizing
that too, and aren’t really cold, catty,
mean or
insincere but that they are as confused
as you.

You look at your job… and it is not
even close
to what you thought you would be doing,
or maybe
you are looking for a job and realizing
that you are
going to have to start at the bottom,
and that
scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You
see
what others are doing and find yourself
judging
more than usual because suddenly you
realize
that you have certain boundaries in your
life and
are constantly adding things to your
list of what is
acceptable and what isn’t. One minute,
you are
insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest
force of
your life. You feel alone and scared and
confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy
and
you try and cling on to the past with
dear life, but
soon realize that the past is drifting
further and
further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay
where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how
someone you loved could do such damage
to you.
Or you lay in bed and wonder why you
can’t meet
anyone decent enough that you want to
get to
know better. Or maybe you love someone
but love
someone else too and cannot figure out
why you
are doing this because you know that you
aren’t a
bad person.

One-night-stands and random hook-ups
start to
look cheap. Getting wasted and acting
like an
idiot starts to look pathetic. You go
through the
same emotions and questions over and
over, and
talk with your friends about the same
topics
because you cannot seem to make a
decision.

You worry about loans, money, the
future and
making a life for yourself… and while
winning the
race would be great, right now you’d
just like to be
a contender!

What you may not realize is that
everyone
reading this relates to it. We are in
our best of
times and our worst of times, trying as
hard as we
can to figure this whole thing out.