she has monsters

creeping in her head

when she’s asleep at night

they eat at the present and the beautiful memories

and they make her forget

they drill holes at the wholes she took forever to build

they consume the love, their favorite meal

and give room for doubts and questions

and paranoia sets in like the single drop of blood that makes the water lose all clarity

and pour a heap of sand on the bonfires and they soon fizzled out

and she feels cold as the hands that she used to hold

and they tame all frenzied emotions until the world finally stops

and all that’s left is the carcass of what beauty once was

More people = more love

The more I get passed on tothe next person to love me,

The more I long for the person who gave me away

And
The more broken I feel

more people +more love = more rejection

don’t pass me on… i wanna stay

* teehee ganahan man gud ko’s picture*

ah deym! i can’t see some of my friends’ pix here on friendster! i guess photo grabbing and psycho-stalking will have to wait for now. sigh!

and thus concludes another mind-boggling conversation with Jouie. in our pathetic attempt to make sense of the world, we normally spend a great deal of time dissecting crazy thoughts, only to end up getting more confused than ever. hahaha… but anyway the conversation we had was pretty interesting. to me anyway. articulating what bits and pieces you have in the deep crevices of your head is supposed to help clear all the annoying confusion you may have in there. for some weird reasons, though, we usually just end up asking even more questions at the end of what’s supposed to be an elightening exchange of wits.

smokescreen.

it sure is comforting to know that people cannot read our thoughts so that no matter how insinuating our actions may be, one just has to hesitate before jumping to conclusions. ego has its part, too, and that fear of rejection that forces us to really think for a long time before doing something or asking something that may end up to be humiliating or truly damaging. and so we end up cracking jokes, or something subtle, hoping to drive the nail without cracking the wood.

jokes.

they’re supposed to be half meant. whatever happened to “nothing ventured, nothing gained?” well, that paralyzing fear of receiving an unanticipated response, an unpleasant reaction, or mere nonchalance simply gets in the way of that. so if someone says “i love you” and laughs, then it’s only gonna be just that, just some joke until serious confirmation is spelled out. and until that affirmation is sent across, one or both persons will stay up late wondering if it meant something or if it was just some joke and nothing more. so what can one make out of a really dull statement dripping with romantic overtones? NOTHING. it thus becomes easier for one to just look to the heavens for answers rather than asking for concrete answers from the person involved. it’s agonizing! and the laughter from that half meant joke dies when realization steps in, and realizations usually come in too late. and the regret that goes along with it becomes that unanticipated punchline.

depensa.

for our own sakes, we walk in smokescreens. but when everybody does that, then it’s kind of hard to decipher things. we wear masks, and so does everybody. wouldn’t it be more convenient if we took them off and just be ourselves? then again, it’s so much easier said than done. so we end up doing something else, out of defense mechanism, not realizing that we could just be digging our own graves by doing that, by playing too safe. our defenses don’t catalyze the fulfillment of something that could have been monumental; rather it ends up ruining these moments even before they could start. i wish we didn’t have to walk on thin ice all the time.

smokescreens give us a false sense of security. bullets still can get through its dense haze.

Signal fire - snow patrol

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
’cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won’t wait forever(2x)

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

No I won’t wait forever(x3)

–> this picture is supposed to be animated so just click on it to check it out.

i think it would be awesome to have somebody to dance with. no, not just on the dance floor or anything like that. i mean having a partner in life, someone who would be able to dance to your music and someone who would guide you through new steps. and it would look as fabulous and romantic as this animated gif. i’m thinking that the image just looks romantic because of the huge moon on the backdrop. but i guess in real life it’s a thousandfolds better. when i think of soulmates, this picture pops up immediately.

buning’s message has been on my phone for 4 years already and i’d like to keep it for as long as i can, to remind myself that romance could essentially make me happy. as happy as she was that time. as happy as she is right now. she told me that it’s not really as magical as what we see on TV, but the fact that it’s real makes it so magical. she and tantan may very well be those two persons dancing in the picture above because they’re still together and are very happy with each other. they met, they became friends. they’ve taken the step and held things together.

i had a conversation with an old friend a couple of weeks ago and he was quite frustrated about his life, and he seemed to convey that he wanted or needed a girl to help him find himself. he was lost. he was successful, career wise but he was troubled. yes, a girl can bring color to his dull world, but the self-realization part, he’ll have to do that on his own. he was into this Jerry Mcguire notion of people completing each other, of finding that missing piece that will make him whole.

i do not agree with the premise of two people completing each other. instead i go for two people complementing each other. i have met a lot of people, single people who were either searching for their dashing knights or  were pretty contented with being alone. i would be among the latter because the more i am with people, the more alone i feel. that’s why i only got a handful of names of people i want to spend time with on my list. 

but anyway, it’s not that our standards are unreachable… they are reasonably high but definitely attainable. it’s just that i guess we want to be wiser. because we choose to get to know ourselves first before getting to know others. or maybe it’s because we go overboard and overanalyze things. so it’s either we’re being too cautious or we’re just scared sh*tless about being vulnerable. things would be a whole lot easier if we played dumb. or maybe it’s because i get bored too easily. does one really have to play dumb to have a happy ending? i mean, so what if we always put one foot on the ground?

still, i guess i could afford to be dumb for a few seconds just so i’d know how it feels to dance in the moonlight like that.

darn, that picture always has this effect on me! i hate it!

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when
you stop going along with the crowd and
start
realizing that there are many things
about yourself
that you didn’t know and may not like.

-clipped from yovah’s multiply blogs…

recently i had the opportunity to get to know a few daredevils. people who threw their cares out the window the moment they saw something worth the risk. or the moment they saw something fun. or something new. and that something may not even be worth the risk at all, but they took the plunge anyways.

right now i’m in a very fortunate position career wise. things are picking up, my work is great, i get to talk to real people and be friends with them at a personal level. and it feels great to be able to coach people prior to taking those baby steps that i once took which led me to where i’m at right now. when i look at them, their mixed eagerness and anxiety, i can’t help but smile because i used to feel the exact same way before. the difference now is that i can help them through it.

earlier on, we had an applicant who really cried because she badly needed the job and she didn’t really hesitate in telling us that she needed to support her family. she was a licensed nurse and the opportunity to go abroad and realize her materialistic dreams were just an arm’s length away. what moved me was when she said, in tears, that she will let that dream go and just let her siblings realize that dream for her. all she could think about was landing this job and earning for her family. so just like that, she threw her dreams away for a worthy cause.

it’s a typical scenario here in the philippines, people letting go of their dreams so others could follow their own. ironically, here i am with the opportunity to realize mine, and the sad thing is i forgot all the dreams i used to have. i don’t know. things got pretty mundane and i just got used to it. i eventually learned to embrace a dreamless life. i feel blessed and for now it’s all that counts. and that feeling of gratitude is just what gets me thru the day because if i stopped for a second and let that listless feeling take the reins, i’d go insane.

for now though i realized what counts. there’s just one thing i’d ask from santa this christmas. i want a life. it’s not fun to live one without yourself in it. like in the movie “my life without me” although not as tragic coz i’d've died halfway through it.

my trip back home has been truly defining. for the first time in a long time, i actually had fun. well, it’s always fun to be with my family and friends. i guess it was different because i found my grounds back and i realized where i wanted to be and with whom and why. i have been to the “greener pasteurs” and i realized there’s really no such thing. it’s just all mindset.

what i’m holding on to right now is that small ounce of strength to go for what i want. the universe is just there at my command so why should i let my reins over it go, right? i’m a firm believer in the laws of attraction, it’s always worked for me. that’s why i’ll put my theory to practice real soon. real soon. i want a life. and i’m going to go and get one real soon.

Your Temperament is Idealist (NF)

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self — always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

http://www.advisorteam.org

Reason and Passion

And the priestess spoke again and said:

“Speak to us of Reason and Passion.”

And he answered saying:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.

Surely you would not honor one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows—then let your heart say in silence, “God rests in reason.”

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky,—then let your heart say in awe, “God moves in passion.”

And since you are a breath In God’s sphere, and a leaf in God’s forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

one is all it takes to move you on…

it could be a cup of coffee early in the morning to perk you up. a phone call. a smile. some good news. a promotion. a holiday. a gift. but nothing beats that one person to get you thru the most tumultuous day of your life. that one hug that makes everything okay. the rescuing hug. coz no matter how independent you think you are, life will always be a lot better having someone around.

everyone’s got a story to tell. everyone’s fighting a tough battle. it’s not necessarily measured by the tears they shed. look behind that sunny smile and you’ll see. if you looked long and hard enough, you’ll see that cloud behind the composed stare that deceives you.

scary and damaged. that’s how Meredith Grey put it. i guess that’s how we all are at the end of the day. a little bruised, a little tired, a little scary, a little pained, a little hurt, a little confused, a little troubled. then we pray for an incredibly huge miracle to come our way. maybe we don’t need something that spectacular. maybe all we need is one.

again, it’s the rescuing hug. from someone who’s strong and struggling, like you, so you can survive together.

not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman years to be fought for…she wants to be more than noticed - she wants to be wanted. she wants to be pursued. every woman also wants an adventure to share… a woman doesn’t want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself. every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. not to conjure but to unveil. most women feel the pressure to be beautiful from very young, but that is not what i speak of. there is also a deep desire to be simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in… who will fight for me? who will be my hero? who will call me beautiful?

i bought this interesting book from MV Doulos, the floating library that’s sadly gonna retire this 2010. nothing in the boat’s exterior and design speaks of it’s age (it’s 2 years senior than the Titanic) . i was half expecting something antique so that when you entered you’d feel like you were in some strange yet beautiful time capsule or something. (their homemade choclit chip cookies were just fabulous by the way!)

anyway, i found this book "Am i beautiful?" and immediately grabbed it and gave it to my sister (i forgot to take note of the author, pardon me but it’s a religious book that speaks a lot about women’s issues and stuff). not to say my sister is insecure. it’s just that a lot of women are faced with that question whether they’d like to admit it or not. the prom queen. the notorious bee ay tee see eych. the atrocious nerd. the superwoman. and the media and society have both had no trouble trampling on such insecurity to instill that need to pass some substandard established by… who established these norms again? remind me please.

it’s just sad that people go to all ends to look beautiful. to feel beautiful, more importantly. i came across this discussion online about surgery and it was really interesting that i found myself responding to the threads more than i’d have wanted to. some swans have testified that surgery changed their lives. some people, myself included, still go for the traditional "inner beauty that emanates". which is so…Shisiedo. hehehe. but whatever. i guess it’s on a case to case basis. i guess even if we’ve reached new heights over time, we’d still feel something tick when we see our Prom Queen. Picky actually pointed that out to me and i’d have to agree. so there’s nothing wrong with picking out a killer outfit for your high school reunion. but even prom queens have this question running in their minds,right? (at least the author says so). i guess even Christina, TLC, Sugababes who’ve sung these songs about beauty have come across asking themselves this question too, right?

the book made a point about kids fantasizing about being some Cinderella at some point in their lives. being that pushover-girl-in-drags that turns into a pretty maiden and dances the night away with her prince charming. i don’t want a prince charming. i realized that now. i want someone real. i want the prince’s dishwasher (watch HAPPILY NEVER AFTER so you’ll understand what i’m saying). and i don’t wanna have to turn into some pretty princess to turn my prince’s head around. i just wanna be real and i want him to be able to see me in drags and still feel the same way. coz then he’ll want everything that i’ll have to give - both good and bad. coz he’ll only deserve my best if he’s able to handle my worst.

don’t expect anything sappy… cheesy… impossible from me this christmas. it won’t change a person. i still love the people i love, still hate the people i hate.

this christmas is just about letting go and letting in… letting love… letting life…

for a year and past a half i’ve been thru good times and bad… and hell’s been tough. tougher than i ever thought. but you end up realizing how blessed you are to have real friends and family to back you up thru it all. you end up losing some but then please realize that through it all, you also won some. you lose a part of yourself. and then later on you end up gaining more than you’ve ever asked for. you lose yourself. you give it to other people. and that part of you is something you may not be able to get back. but i realized that we shouldn’t dwell on the loss. coz while we were busy losing a part of us, we failed to notice how the other person has also touched our lives with his/her time and patience. and during that time, there was an exchange somewhere. a connection. friendship. love? something profound. something that made you stick to these special idiots… er people. it’s always easy to let go. to let your guards up. but after a year and a few months i realized that playing it safe isn’t really gonna get us anywhere.

in a swirl of black and confusion, there’ll always be that silver cord that binds you and the people you love. and love will be that safe anchor that stops you from being swept away in the wrong direction. and when you feel all worthless, just look for that binding force. i did. and i started to realize and be humbled and amazed about this single force that moves us all. in that horrifying moment when i almost lost it, i found something so pure, so divine. it’s something words can’t explain. i wouldn’t have traded that moment for anything. meeting the wrong kind to realize the beauty of it all is definitely worth it.

we go thru hurts. it may be unbearable at times, at times though it’s just tolerable (although it gets the better of us a lot of times coz it sure sucks as hell). but it’s just all in a day’s work. we change. and i don’t think anyone should actually stop us from evolving. i’ve always thought life should be spent living… and reincarnation is about evolving… to realize and finally become who you really are. and it takes lifetimes to achieve that. now, with everything that’s happened, i’m firm in my resolve to put theory into practice… see, it’s always been easy to articulate mediocre thoughts to seemingly deep theories about life. practice ends all that idealism as we begin to admit that maybe we may have set our bars too high. what the heck! shit happens, as forrest gump once put it… but we just gotta keep running until we find that reason to stop. running not away from our problems. rather running towards the foreseen end of our search.

***  carlo… sugod na sad ko blog balik…wahehehe

i was under the impression that when you were completely honest with someone with the sincerest intention to make things better and to have such comment construct something positive between people that would be appreciated. i was wrong. i was crossed because i was honest.

i don’t really know what gets in the head of some *&%*&% i know who would actually go to all ends to either ruin people’s trust in me or to get sympathy from casual friends or both. well, it sure takes a helluva lot of efforts i guess to do that. i sure hope the sick fart was happy. are you reading my blog? i sure hope you are. you sure had one sick version of what happened. i don’t feel the need to cleanse my name. we both know what really happened. or do we? then again you don’t really understand what got me pissed off before. your mind was so kitid and IS always bent on having a name that was recognized by people. ( you never really got it, right? )i never really asked God for retribution. it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal until you started acting crazy. i could never really comprehend how that puny thing could end up blowing up in my face.

when you try to help people, some %&*%^% actually take that for gloating. when you tell them about your experiences in the hope that they won’t have to go through the trouble you’ve gone to, they actually insinuate that you are trying to show off how far you’ve gone. such shallow people! the world has a lot of room for these people so their population has actually mushroomed. and i couldn’t quite fathom what they could actually get out of that. one day turns two, failure to text because you ain’t got moolah as of the moment will be grounds for lines like "syaro ba sad, sa kadako sa sweldo dili maka afford ug load." for wanting something utterly important borrowed to be returned on time you get persecuted by having all sorts of false stories spread to casual friends. and the list goes on. is this how people ought to deal with misunderstandings? if caustic honesty is what bothers this *&*$&%^, then i’m gonna respect that and i’m not gonna drop names.

when you spend loads of time backbiting somebody, you shouldn’t turn around and offer, like, the grandest sympathy, especially when that person loses her phone. the line between backbiting and being concerned is really huge so the difference between the two is unmistakeable. when people get what you most desire, be happy for that person. don’t try to pull people down by spreading lousy stories to try to get people to your side. it’s so pathetic. and maybe you ought to question why you didn’t land on that spot. perhaps you didn’t deserve it? well, the fact that you had to blame the lucky person for your misfortune sure says a lot about why you never got what you wanted. and to actually mock people who give you the sincerest of advices!

when someone gives you money to buy a specific item, do so and be sure that money sent was liquidated. money doesn’t grow on trees so before you consider putting up some major charity work, work on your charitable deeds towards your roots. when you spent it on the wrong things, apologize. and when you graduate, work your damnest to not pester your parents. and when you are in another person’s territory, you don’t go mocking him/her by snickering some side comments like he/she would never understand. don’t cross me. i like to play dumb but the wheels in my head work double time. i guess i’m just mature enough to not patronize those nako dili ka level.

when you’re friend is down and slacks off a bit with their posts, you don’t condemn or criticize. you ought to understand and help. and again, how many times do i have to stress the importance of honesty! people will eventually get sick and tired of trying-hards. and when that happens… i guess i’ll just pity you. i won’t bother helping out. i think i’ve done enough. it was enough for me to tolerate all your manipulative ways. i even helped you out in showing off to certain people how smart you are. you got the credit for my answers. did i mind? i didn’t. and i still don’t. when you pretend to go to the same section back then, i just smiled, remember? even though i was sick to the pits of my stomach at how you tried to be someone you’re not. or more importantly, to try to be someone whom everyone looks up to. well, newsflash: respect begets respect. you teach people how to treat you. you don’t show off new clothes, fake documents, or whatever tangible status symbols you may have. credentials don’t mean anything unless you actually earned them in the best way possible. and pretenses don’t really merit adoration… or respect even.

$100 million dollars for whoever guesses the person that i’m talking about here!